I have never been a ladies man, I couldn’t tell you the first thing about being in a relationship. It’s been that way my entire life. I don’t know what it feels like to be loved or cared for by a woman. To hold their hand or run my fingers through their hair. I don’t know what it’s like to daydream about one during a client meeting, or fall asleep thinking of one. I’ve never felt those butterflies everyone talks about.
I’m a failure when it comes to women.
I don’t know what it is, but they’ve never been interested in me. Maybe I’m a coward, and it shows, turning them away instantly. Perhaps, I’m more unappealing than the notion residing in my mind? Maybe its my ways, not being like the rest, disrespectful and only after one thing – I’ll let you figure out what that means on your own. Maybe the idea of treating a woman the way she deserves is something that died off with our parents generation? Maybe the generation before theirs? I don’t know, that’s the most depressing part, not knowing.
I pretend it doesn’t bother me around others, I say things like ‘ who needs a girl ‘ or ‘ why would I want to be tied down ‘, but within myself it is the very thing I desire. But that’s the funny thing about this life of mine, the thing I desire most is the only thing I can’t seem to gain. It’s so unfair.
I’m not a young man anymore, and the older I get, the less chance I’ll have to find true love in this world. I am terrified of that possibility. I’m ashamed that I cry at night sometimes, the loneliness gets the best of me. I stopped hoping, no longer expecting the right one to cross my path unexpectedly. I used to look everywhere, in line at the store, or at a stop light, hoping she’ll pull up beside me, or be the one standing in front of me waiting to pay. That was a long time ago, I’m glad I stopped searching because she never came. I’m so alone.
But then I met you, Emily Rose. What a lovely name!
I have never seen such a beautiful woman in all of my existence. You are perfect in body and mind. You didn’t turn me aside, but you smiled at me. Not forced, the way one forces himself to entertain another, out of courtesy. Yours was sincere. I don’t remember meeting you, where it was or how it happened. You were just there, willing to love me unconditionally. When I told you a terrible joke, you weren’t awkward, you laughed with love in your eyes. You looked passed my appearance, beyond the stereotypes, and embraced me without hesitation.
I fell in love with you the moment I saw you.
But then, you were gone. Your image beginning to fade like the way the tides give the shore all they possessed, then make way for others to take their place. Even now, I struggle to keep your face fresh in my memory, and although I manage to do so, it tends to escape from time to time. I try not to forget your smile, your smell and how happy you made me feel. I attempt to go back there, to cling to you, digging deep into your essence. Sadly, no matter how hard I try, I’m not able to do so. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I miss you already Emily Rose. I do, however, remember the last words you said to me:
Don’t stop looking for me, I’m here. I’ll always be here.
Now I must wait for this day to end. I will walk around and function, but my mind will be solely with you. I long toss and turn, struggling to drift off into that place once again. To see you in front of me, just as you never left. I fear not finding you, but your words comfort me, making me confident that will not be the case. I will search for you, from one end to the other, I promise I will!
My Emily Rose, who only in my dreams can such a beautiful thing exist.